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On August 14,2014, I got a phone call that nobody ever wants to get. My brother was gone. I was in shock. Nick? How? What? I was so confused. He was only 22 and I just remember collapsing and being in shock for a few days. I thought he had been in an accident because he never knew what a speed limit was.

I was in denial for a while, I didn’t want to know what happened. I knew my brother was a little crazy at times with alcohol, but an overdose? I never knew. I don’t know who knew. I don’t know how long he was struggling. I never got the chance to help him. I never got the chance to tell him anything that goes with a “normal goodbye”. I never saw it coming. I had seen him the night prior, we went to a drake and lil Wayne concert. He didn’t want to have a drink with me, which I thought was odd but just brushed it off. We had the best night in a long time.

Nick and I might have a different view on our childhood. But I know I wanted to do whatever he was doing. We played all the sports together, I would often invite myself in to hanging out with his friends(he hated it). Our parents divorced when we were young. So with split custody, the one thing that was always constant in my life was Nick.

Nick and I didn’t have the best relationship once we hit our teens. We fought constantly. I felt like he could get away with anything and do whatever he wanted so I was jealous. We didn’t talk much except for holidays and the occasional “what are you doing” text from him when he needed something.

I was 23 when Nick lost his battle. I had never lost anyone in my life. I didn’t know how to cope, I had never been to therapy, I didn’t know what to do. I was barely out of college and starting my career. So I started drinking. Drinking made me feel like I could take my mask off, be included and accepted. It numbed me, it made me more social, it also hid every part of who I was and made me extremely depressed. In 2019, I tried to be more mindful of how much I was drinking. Having a beer, glass of water, beer, glass of water. That got exhausting real quick. I finally just stopped drinking altogether and boom, the feelings I had been numbing for 5 years smashed me like a bus. I won’t go in to the details but I finally found a therapist who changed my life. She finally got me to go to a grief group. I finally started opening up, talking about Nick. I finally found that I wasn’t alone in my grief, other people were going through it too. I found the most supportive people who have been there for me through all these phases, waves of grief, depression, and anxiety.

I am choosing to start a fundraiser in memory of Nick through the Herren Project because it reminds me so much of Nick. They also offer grief support groups which is so crucial after loss. I hope to join some races this year to raise funds for addiction and recovery and to try to share more for those struggling and start conversations to end the stigma around addiction.